The Dogs

A Discussion between Rover, Spot, Champ and FleaBait. Rover is a golden retriever, Spot is a beagle, Champ is a Great Dane, and FleaBait is a bulldog.

(The scene opens with Rover digging in his back yard as his friend Spot approaches.)

Spot: Whatcha doin’ Wovew?

Rover: Trying to find that bone.

Spot: Which one?

Rover: The one we took from Champ.

Spot: I think he don’t like you took it.

Rover: What makes you say that?

Spot: Champ says he’s gonna kill ya.

Rover: Oh.

Spot: He says he’s gonna weplace da bone we taked with yous bones. He was mad cos he says it’s hawd to pick haiw off a golden wetweivew.

Rover: Oh.

Spot: Champ says to me, “Wait till I see Wovew. I’m gonna kill him.”

Rover: Hey, Spot, you want to help me fill in this hole?

Spot: I think you gonna die.

Rover: Please be quiet and help me get this dirt back in the hole.

Spot: My momma says when you dead, you can’t bweathe.

Rover: I get the point. Hurry and help me.

Spot: You been dead befowe?

Rover: Of course not. . . (Rover is interrupted as Champ jumps over the back fence.)

Champ: Hello, boys. What’s going on?

Spot: Wover was just twying to find . . .

Rover: An old shoe that I buried. I know it’s back here somewhere. Are you hungry Champ? My master left some Alpo in my bowl. You can have it if you want it.

Champ: No, I sort of had my heart set on a bone.

Spot: Well, that’s just what Wovew. . .

Rover: I’m sure there are bones back here. My master is always throwing them out to me. There’s got to be hundreds of them back here.

Spot: Hey, Champ – you gonna kill Wovew?

Champ: Now, Spot, why would I want to kill Rover?

Spot: You told me you was gonna.

Champ: Oh! You mean because every dog in the neighborhood says Rover stole that beautiful bone from the hog roast at the farm?

Spot: Yea. You gonna eat Wovew?

Rover: Champ, I promise, I never stole your bone. Why would I steal your bone, I must have hundreds of them right here.

Champ: Well, everyone says that you and your friends were snooping around my dog house and the next thing I know – abbra cadabra – my bone disappears. You’re not suggested that Spot took my bone are you?

Spot: You gonna kill me, Champ? Let me close my eyes. Don’t bite my eaws – that would huwt. My momma pwobably gonna cwy. All da dogs gonna say, “Hey Spot’s momma, you doggy buwied behind Champ’s house.” Momma’ll say, “Gweat! I loved Spot. Now he dead.”

Champ: Please!!! Squirt I’m not going to kill you. I’m going to bury Rover behind my dog house.

Rover: Oh!!! Oh!!! Please, no, Champ! I swear I didn’t do it. I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t take your bone!

Champ: Really. Then who did?

Rover: It was . . . it was . . .

Champ: Spit it out, or you’ll be my main course this evening.

Rover: It was FleaBait!

Champ: FleaBait?

Spot: Oooooh, you lie Wovew.

Rover: FleaBait, Spot and I were over at your place and FleaBait stole your hog bone. I told him not too, but he wouldn’t listen.

Champ: Are you trying to tell me that a dimwit like FleaBait took my bone?

Rover: He sure did.

Spot: Wovew lying. FleaBait is a good fwiend, he didn’t take you bone. Wovew being a bad doggy. He was digging up you . . . (the three are interrupted when FleaBait waddles around the corner)

Champ: FleaBait, come over here.

FleaBait: Yup?

Spot: Champ gonna kill ya FleaBait.

FleaBait: I gots a bug in some pickle juice and I want to see when I watch it.

Spot: You momma love you FleaBait?

FleaBait: My momma it . . .it . . . it, my momma sings to the squirrels and it makes them sick.

Champ: FleaBait, did you steal my bone?

FleaBait: My bone didn’t fall down when was there. My nose itches.

Champ: Just answer the question.

FleaBait: Spot got a momma.

Spot: Wover gonna kill you FleaBait. But you didn’t do it. Tell him.

FleaBait: Yup. I get rumbly in my tummy. You see those human things can get in the tree.

Champ: This is ridiculous. Can any of you make out what he’s saying?

Spot: I can. He says that Wovew stole you bone and that you should kill Wovew.

Champ: That’s what he said?

Spot: Sowt of.

Rover: Why don’t we drop this whole thing and I’ll get you three big hog bones to make up for the one that’s missing.

Champ: Now, where’s the justice in that? I mean why should you have to give up three bones of your own, when you say FleaBait is the guilty dog?

Rover: I like FleaBait and don’t want to see you kill him.

Spot: I don’t think Fleabait would taste vewy good.

Champ: Don’t worry, I’m not killing FleaBait. He couldn’t tell his head from a bone in the ground.

Spot: So, you gonna kill Wovew?

Champ: What do you think I should do?

Spot: I think you should kill Wovew.

Rover: Hey!! I thought you were my friend.

Spot: I am.

Rover: So, why are you trying so hard to get me killed?

Spot: If you die, I could get the hundweds of bones buwied in you back yawd.

Rover: There aren’t hundreds of bones. . .

Champ: There aren’t?

Rover: I mean, I may have exaggerated just a little.

Spot: You bone in the hole behind Wovew.

Rover: Be quiet Spot!

Champ: You don’t say! Move aside. (Champ begins digging out the hole)

Rover: Great! Now I’m dead. Thanks a lot Spot. Might as well go lay down behind Champ’s dog house right now. It’s over. Kaput. It’s been nice knowing you FleaBait.

FleaBait: I gots da boogie.

Champ: Well, well, well! What have we here? It looks like my bone! Rover, it looks like you’ve been lying to me. Now I’m going to have to kill you.

Spot: Hey, FleaBait, Champs gonna kill Wovew.

FleaBait: Sit on hot road feels good. That was a stinky.

Rover: Please, Champ, no!

Champ: Say goodbye to Rover, boys.

FleaBait: When you shake you head it make you fall down.

Spot: Bye, Wovew.

(Champ begins attacking Rover. A big cloud of dust rises. A door opens on Rover’s master’s house as the master comes out.)

Master: Get out of our yard you big bully! (he throws a big bucket of cold water on Champ and Rover. Champ takes off running.) Geez! You can’t get any rest around here. (he goes back in the house)

Spot: You dead Wovew?

Rover: No, I’m not dead.

Spot: Good, you my best fwiend.

FleaBait: You ever stick your tail in a fan? I did. Look.

Rover: Guys, I need a break. I’m scared and tired and a little chewed up. Would you mind coming back later?

Spot: Hey, Champ left his bone.

Rover: Do me a favor and take it back to him. It’s not worth it.

Spot: Okay. Me and FleaBait will take it to him.

(Rover goes to the garage to rest)

Spot: I thought Wover would be dead. He just gotted wet.

FleaBait: Yup. My momma say if I eat lot of tootie rolls I get brown tooths.

Spot: Hey, want to eat this bone?

FleaBait: I gots a tootie roll in my eye.

Spot: No, Flea, it’s just you eyeball.

FleaBait: I gots a tootie roll in my eye.

Spot: Flea, you do have a tootsie woll in you eye. Here let me get it out. How’d that happen?

FleaBait: It look good.

Spot: It out.

FleaBait: Yup.

Spot: We not dead FleaBait.

FleaBait: Yup. It smell stinky in da car. Momma say don’t go in car, cause it make you flat.

Spot: Yea, you’d be killed.

FleaBait: Yup. You be killed. (FleaBait grabs Spot around the neck and begins to shake him.)

Spot: Stop! Stop! Help! Help!

FleaBait: I help you.

Spot: Why’d you do that!?!?

FleaBait: Yup.