The Super Club

We join some superheroes as they are called together to teach a new generation of superhero wanna-bes. Along with Superman, Batman, Robin, Aquaman, Green Lantern, and Wonder Woman we meet Grasshopperman, Oldster, Purple Annoyer, Homely Woman, Eyelid Avenger, and Ted.

Superman: Welcome to the first meeting of the Super Club. Batman, Robin, Aquaman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and I are pleased to have you youngsters join . . .

Oldster: I’m not young.

Superman: Sorry. We are pleased to have all of you here as we turn over the reigns of crime-fighting to you. This training session will deal with the essentials of being a superhero. Please feel free to interrupt at any point if you have a question during our lectures.

Purple Annoyer: What makes you so super?

Superman: I am very strong, very fast, and have great vision and hearing.

Purple Annoyer: I’m strong and fast. And I can hear and see things.

Superman: You don’t understand. I am VERY strong and VERY fast. I can hear and see things that the normal person cannot . . .

Purple Annoyer: Big deal.

Superman: I think we should move on. What are your special skills?

Purple Annoyer: I’m purple and I annoy people to death.

Superman: You aren’t purple. You are just wearing a purple body suit with a plastic grapes wig. And anyone can be annoying.

Purple Annoyer: Not like I can.

Batman: Superman, I think we should move on with some worthwhile instruction. Don’t you agree ole chum?

Robin: Holy creepers, you’re right Batman.

Oldster: What did he say?

Purple Annoyer: Be glad you didn’t hear it. It was stupid.

Robin: Purple Annoyer, you should show some respect for these Super Friends. We have saved the world many times over from some of the most evil villains imaginable.

Purple Annoyer: Where do I bow down to your magnificence, mighty one?

Aquaman: Can I punch him?

Purple Annoyer: Oh, what are you going to do? Wet on me?

Superman: Enough of this! Let’s get an inventory of special tools, weapons or skills that each of you bring to the table. We can better teach you the ways of the superhero if we know what we have to work with. We already know about Purple Annoyer’s abilities, so let’s turn to Oldster.

Oldster: I’m not very strong, I’m not very fast. I can’t hear or see very good.

Superman: What can you do? What makes you think you should join the new breed of superhero?

Oldster: That’s right.

Superman: No. What can you do?

Oldster: I prefer cheese.

Superman: What?

Oldster: I can climb a tree.

Superman: What?

Oldster: But only if it’s little.

Superman: WHAT CAN YOU DO!?

Oldster: I already did, thank you.

Batman: I think we should go to our next student. Grasshopperman?

Purple Annoyer: That’s a goofy name.

Grasshopperman: I am Grasshopperman. Defender of virtue. Sovereign of all that is green and grassy. My chief adversary, the Grub Worm, shall meet justice at my hands.

Batman: There is no villain called Grub Worm.

Grasshopperman: I’m working on that.

Batman: The Grub Worm?

Grasshopperman: Don’t you have an enemy called EggHead?

Batman: Never mind.

Wonder Woman: What are your superhuman abilities?

Oldster: She’s pretty.

Wonder Woman: What’d he say?

Superman: He said you’re pretty.

Homely Woman: Thank you, nobody has ever said I was pretty before.

Superman: Why do you have that bag over your head?

Oldster: Why does that woman have a bag over her head?

Homely Woman: It protects the common man from my overpowering force.

Grasshopperman: I’m not finished.

Superman: Sorry, continue Grasshopperman.

Grasshopperman: I hop.

Superman: Over tall buildings?

Grasshopperman: Of course not. I hop at my enemies.

Superman: You hop at your enemies?

Grasshopperman: I hop them into submission. And if I energize my mega-hopper muscles, I can hop them to death.

Eyelid Avenger: Hey, hop for me.

Grasshopperman: No, it’s too dangerous.

Oldster: What?

Grasshopperman: I could not live with myself if my hopping caused injury to any of you.

Eyelid Avenger: I understand – same thing happens when I activate my hyper-blink.

Batman: We’ll get to you in a moment. Okay, let’s move on to Homely Woman. What’s the secret behind your head bag?

Homely Woman: I am so homely that if you look upon my image you will be immobilized.

Purple Annoyer: Give me a break!

Homely Woman: You asked for it! (pulls off bag)

Purple Annoyer: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! Put it back on! Put it back on!

Superman: Ghastly!

Batman: Gadzooks!

Robin: Holy schmoley!

Green Lantern: Whoa!

Oldster: She’s pretty.

Homely Woman: (putting bag back on head) I told you.

Wonder Woman: That is powerful. I’ve got an invisible lasso.

Homely Woman: I’m ugly.

Wonder Woman: I’ve got an invisible plane.

Homely Woman: I’ve got a hideous face.

Superman: Ladies! Please, this is not a contest.

Wonder Woman: I have big black hair.

Homely Woman: I have one big black hair.

Aquaman: Can we move along. I’m getting a little dry.

Purple Annoyer: Oh, is little WaterMan going to cry?

Aquaman: I’m Aquaman. And I don’t cry.

Purple Annoyer: Boo hoo! I’m WaterMan and I’m crying like a little WaterBaby. Boo hoo.

Aquaman: I’m going to punch him!

Superman: No, Aquaman. That’s what he wants. It will only make him more annoying.

Purple Annoyer: Hi, I’m Superman and I’m taking up for WaterBaby. I’m PooperDooperMan. Look at my big muscles. I can hear a gnat sneeze a million miles away. I can see through clothing.

Wonder Woman: You told me it didn’t work like that!

Superman: Well, you see . . .

Purple Annoyer: I’m Superman – you know, the guy that can’t handle a few green glowing rocks from Krypton. I wish I could be like the Purple Annoyer, he’s a real man, a real superhero . . .
(Superman punches Purple Annoyer, sending him flying through the sky into another time zone.)

Aquaman: Thank you.

Batman: Now that we can all think clearly again, tell us about your special talents, Eyelid Avenger.

Eyelid Avenger: I have two sets of eyelids and I can open and close them rapidly.

Green Lantern: It looks like you just drew an extra set of eyelids on your eyelids with a magic marker.

Eyelid Avenger: But when I blink, my enemies will never know! Watch! (he quickly opens and closes his eyelids) Amazing, isn’t it!?

Green Lantern: (sarcastically) I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Robin: I can do that.

Eyelid Avenger: Be careful. I have practiced for years to get just the right rhythm and timing to match the high speed of my hyper-blink.

Robin: Watch, it’s nothing. (Robin starts blinking rapidly) OWWWW!!! Ouch, ouch ouch!!! How do I stop? Stop my eyelids!

Eyelid Avenger: I warned him.

Batman: Here little fella, let me help. (Batman drop-kicks Robin in the face) Better?

Robin: Holy cornea, Batman, thanks!

Eyelid Avenger: So, you see, when a super villain approaches me I will threaten him with my hyper-blink.

Green Lantern: What’s the point?

Eyelid Avenger: The point is that they will react just like Robin did. Some will laugh, some will be confused, but in the end they will all say, “that’s nothing special, watch me do it” and that’s when I’ve got them! By the way, Green Lantern, what’s so special about you?

Green Lantern: I think it’s someone else’s turn.

Wonder Woman: How about Ted?

Ted: Hello, I’m Ted.

Oldster: I’m not stupid. You’re not dead.

Ted: I can make lazer beams shoot from my eyes.

Oldster: Lima beans in his thighs?

Ted: I have elastic arms and legs that can stretch three miles in any direction.

Oldster: Plastic ham and eggs?

Ted: I can read minds.

Oldster: What?

Wonder Woman: What am I thinking?

Ted: You wish you could be like Homely Woman.

Wonder Woman: I do not!

Ted: You asked me what you were thinking. And you know it is the truth.

Robin: You can’t shoot lasers from your eyes.
(Ted shoots lasers from his eyes and disintegrates Robin)

Batman: Oh, no! Little chum! You’ve zapped my partner.

Ted: Sorry.

Superman: Okay, you truly do have some marvelous super powers. But you need a nice superhero name to go with your powers. How about something like MegaMan, Laser, Master Stretch, or Awesome Knight!

Ted: I sort of like Ted.

Aquaman: How about Terrific Ted?

Ted: Ted’s fine.

Oldster: What?

Grasshopperman: Did I tell you that I can hop people to death?

Homely Woman: Look at me. (takes bag off head)

Superman: Ohhh! That’s plain awful.

Green Lantern: Hideous! Please stop.

Eyelid Avenger: I’ve got all four eyelids closed.

Wonder Woman: Do you use makeup for that look?

Homely Woman: Nope, it’s all natural. (putting bag back on head)

Superman: I think we need to take a break. Everyone take about five minutes to go to the bathroom, get a drink of water or stretch your legs.

Ted: Do you want me to stretch them now?

Superman: On second thought don’t stretch your legs, just get up a take a break.

Oldster: I’m old.

Grasshopperman: Can I hop to the bathroom?

Superman: Just don’t hurt anybody on the way.

Eyelid Avenger: Can I bring a friend to our next meeting? He’s the Mashed Potato Menace. He can squirt mashed vegetables from his mouth at an amazing velocity.

Superman: I’d rather he stayed home. Okay, everybody back in five minutes.

Oldster: I can chew raw carrots with my gums.